Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
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[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.