Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
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Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
im all 3
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Otters see a butterfly.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.