The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
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🙅🏻
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
just pretend nothing happened
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Actually cracking up @ this
How animals would run if they were human
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.