coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
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[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*