Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
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*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?