*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
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Care for your back
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.