*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
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*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
How do you like your Corgi?
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk