‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
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Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
“Wait, let me explain..”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
“TGIM!” – My liver
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?