Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
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*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.