I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
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Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.