My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
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Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
What the hell happened in there??
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.