triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
You Might Also Like
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw