Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
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Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Spell check is for lasers.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
presenting your incognito window wrapped
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?