Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
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People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.