Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
groan^2
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.