wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
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Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.