Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
π€·ββοΈππ€·ββοΈπ
You Might Also Like
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
From now on Iβm gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because Iβm really not glad to see anybody.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Him: Whereβd you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god youβre here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.