Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
You Might Also Like
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
adding to the discourse