MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
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Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed