‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself