My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Taking phone security to the next level.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?