“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
You Might Also Like
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Good morning, Twitter x
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.