I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
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If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.