[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
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Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?