Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
dogs can find happiness so easily
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.