Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
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You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Lmaoo 😂
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Start the year as you intend to continue.