Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
HELP 😭
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could