doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
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Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.