Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
You know…for fall…
rise and shine we got egg
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken