hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
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Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.