Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
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I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
This is my emotional support knife.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses