[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok