You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
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I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
This sounds bad:
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run