If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
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How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
How do you milk an almond?
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on