We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
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Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
January is lasting longer than my marriage