god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
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People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I need a headline like this
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle