Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
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scenes of unspeakable carnage
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.