My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
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Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.