Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
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I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.