I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
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My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!