I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
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now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
That’s it.I’m out.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.