Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
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“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf