Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
My dad teaching me to drive
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
my professor scared me for a second
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.