Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
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Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy