Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
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[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.