In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
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Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
first you must answer his riddles
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.