Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
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wut hotdog?
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
🍞🦆
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
never ask a starfish for directions