Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
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I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Always.
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You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
They got Raph!
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.