Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
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God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
when nothing goes right… go left
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public