[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
You Might Also Like
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Money is the root of all wealth
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.